Trying to make sense of it

I'm scared to hurt those closest to me by allowing myself to be happy. Does that make any sense?

I have done some shitty things in my life. Made stupid decisions, hurt the ones I love, treated myself poorly, made my friends worry. If I'd choose to, I could fill a lifetime with guilt, regret, and self-hatred.

The thing is, I've tried that. I was past forty when I started realizing I was setting myself up for another forty years of misery, convinced that I'm a bad person, not worthy of joy, love, hope and friendship.

Lately I noticed that my loved ones prefer me to be happy. That's new to me. I love seeing people thrive. I just didn’t link that back to my own happiness.

Because that’s what we do, isn’t it? Give our love and advice to others, and then apply rules to ourselves that are way more strict. Rationally it doesn’t make any sense, but does our fear ever make sense?

I firmly believe that ‘being’ is enough to be treated nicely. We don’t have to bent over backwards in order to earn other people’s appreciation. Now I just need to start living by that belief. Easy peasy. Right?