“I don’t need anyone”

Last week I tried to move my enormous couch down a narrow staircase on my own. Of course I knew in advance that was a crazy idea. But I attempted anyway.
Five minutes later I rang my neighbor’s door, ashamed and feeling like a failure.

My new year’s resolution for 2022 was (and still is) asking people for help. And I hate every second of it. That’s because I have a serious fear of bothering people. I don’t want to be an inconvenience, and would rather just be invisible and never need anyone.

Not needing anyone was me being strong, I thought for the longest time. Yeah right… that was me being afraid. That old, subconscious fear that people would bite my head off just for asking.

One of the nice things of being an artist is that I control the process from A to Z. I choose what, when, where I paint. I decide on my materials, colors and style. I’m my own manager, marketeer, salesperson, critic.

Too bad I’m better at painting than at marketing and sales. So I have been asking for help. To my great surprise that really works, and no one has been unkind! Who knew?

In a couple of months I will be moving to a new house. “You are going to have to ask for help, and accept the help people offer you”, my therapist said. “or you’re going to crash.”
I know he’s right. He’s so right. And yet here I am, crying at the thought of bothering my brother and friends, afraid they will hate me for asking, even though they have already insisted on being there for me.

It’s going to be a useful exercise...